In case you missed it, Super Bowl LIV was played this weekend — a game that I can’t help but read as an obtuse nickname for someone named Olivia.
Here, the Kansas City Chiefs were crowned champions in the NFL’s centennial season, ending a 50-year drought for the embattled franchise. It’s not necessarily a surprise, as the Chiefs were pegged by most to overcome the stingy San Francisco 49ers defense, but they’re not quite the most dominant squad to ever hoist the Lombardi Trophy.
Many other teams would have carried more favor, like MVP Lamar Jackson and his Baltimore Ravens, or the high flying offense of the New Orleans Saints. It’s hard to pick, really, because parity took a refreshing step forward this season, and though some rosters were presumptively better than others, none of them were obviously exceptional.
If you’re a fan of certainty, however, there are some teams that spring to mind who would have absolutely torn through both the Chiefs and 49ers. And the Ravens, and the Saints… and especially the stupid Cleveland Browns.
New York Nightmare
With five league championships to their name (plus two division 2 titles for good measure), the New York Nightmare are the most prolific team in Blitz: the League. Their defense is suitably nightmarish to play against, headed by linebacker Quentin Sands. Somehow, Mr. Sands sounds like an adorable name, but beware, he is not adorable in the slightest.
Well, maybe a little bit. He looks like a cuddler.
Sands is in actual fact a 3-time MVP and 10-time All-Star, and proves to be a brutal, cunning antagonist. He’d like to end your career with his violent hits, and afterwards, he might just snatch up your girlfriend. At that point, they’ll probably — yep, you guessed it — cuddle.
Indeed, Mr. Sands and his Nightmare brethren are more than happy to employ shady tactics if need be, whether it’s instigating violence, juicing up, or the occasional dalliance with a prostitute. Hopefully, Andy Reid would be able to keep his team away from such shenanigans, or else the Chiefs’ hopes of defending their title would be over before it even began.
That being said, I’m sure Andy goes off at the club; glow sticks, hookers and a lot of blow. Powerful man. Powerful visual.
Los Santos Pounders
Los Angeles may have been without an NFL squad for two decades, but the GTA V equivalent, Los Santos, was proud to call the Pounders their own long before the Rams returned to the city of angels.
Their roster is something of a mystery, but Varrios Los Aztecas thug Ortega proudly brandished a Pounders jersey, and if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for us, dammit.
In keeping with their team name, one could assume that Los Santos would be adept at pounding the rock. The Chiefs may have been able to snuff out Derrick Henry in the AFC Championship game, but how long would their luck last against the sheer force of… let’s just go with a placeholder name for now… Gary Penn?
The man is so good, he’s practically a cheat code!
Galaxy Aces
Whenever I’m feeling low and need a little inspiration, I think of the words my old coach used to say: “My philosophy is if you can’t say something nice about someone, kill them.”
That coach, incidentally, was Ace Bricka, and he was a vision of splendor as he roamed the sidelines, cigar dangling between his lips, randomly declaring that he “loves kicks” with a bug-eyed stare that can only be described as manic.
Mutant League Football on the Sega Genesis was loaded with nasty teams of ghouls and monsters, and among them, the Galaxy Aces were the pinnacle, made up of the best players in the game. Bones Jackson wreaked havoc on the ground, while Snake was able to carve up opponents with deep passes. Wide receiver Kaylor was… well, he was just some random ass dude, but he sure could catch.
Even if their offense didn’t murder you, and I mean that literally, their defense was just as menacing, headlined by MLF (not MILF) legends like Reggie Fright and Lepuke. The Niners had Patrick Mahomes rattled for most of Super Bowl LIV, imagine how he’d react to pressure from an actual orc?
The only way the Aces could be bested would be if they simply ran out of funds before the game finished. Considering the NFL fined for wearing the wrong colored socks exceeds $7,000, you’d have to assume that dismembering your opponent would prove substantially greater.
Raccoon Sharks
Not much is known about Raccoon City’s local football team, who are only mentioned briefly in Resident Evil Outbreak, but their last game was marred by tragedy. A lone zombie roamed free, sending players and fans alike to the hospital.
At least, we assume that was their last game. How can we know for sure?
Imagine if the Raccoon Sharks are still playing to this very day, albeit as a team of flesh-eating cadavers? Sure, their game IQ wouldn’t be high, but it’s safe to say that they would beat the Chiefs 9 times out of 10 in a conventional football match.
From the moment they’re playing pop warner, coaches always tell their players to swarm to the ball. Zombies are excellent swarmers, and they’ll swallow up any ballcarrier that they can get their filthy hands on.
Even better, once they’ve sunk their teeth into a hapless opponent, they’re destined to join them as a braindead corpse. It’s the most effective form of free agency you’ve ever heard of, and after just one meeting, the NFLPA would be inclined to agree.
“Braaaaains,” the new collective bargaining agreement will read.
Bleak City’s Football Teams
Sure, you might look at this and scoff. The football teams in Carmageddon, completely anonymous and largely forgotten, put up little resistance to your vehicular carnage, getting mowed down in a bloody display of chicanery.
But did you ever stop to think what kind of courage it takes to play a football game in Bleak City, when there is a well-known death race occurring nearby, and a really poorly designed stadium with an entrance that just begs for cars to come plowing through?
Bless those boys. None of them survived that gruesome massacre, but all of them, to a man, showed their true colors. That color, incidentally, was bright red, and would be splashed all over your vehicle’s hood.
…You’re probably not planning on actually winning the race, are you?
Matt
Just Matt.
He doesn’t need any teammates, any equipment, or indeed, any idea that he is actively participating in a football game.
In fact, I think he actually did win the Super Bowl. He just used a fake name so as not to attract attention. Congratulations, Matt!
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