Geralt of Rivia
Geralt of Rivia has been through hell and back over the course of three games, saving kingdoms and members of his family from evil supernatural beings. On his off times, he also goes around performing odd jobs for the civilians of villages he goes to on his adventures and slays giant monsters that can snatch people away before they can blink. For a deadly time of the year such as Black Friday, he’ll need to use all of his skills in order to survive and get what he wants.
Since he’s a guy who travels a lot, he’d go to Dick’s Sporting Goods for their deals on camping gear. The massive horde has swarmed the store, so he takes his horse Roach to try and get above as many people as possible, but eventually people realize his plan and try to bring him down. Big mistake. He uses his sword to slice civilians to pieces and magic to set groups of them on fire to clear a path. Sure, they run around screaming and setting the entire store ablaze, but Geralt’s got his gear, and that’s all that matters.
Master Chief
The savior of humanity probably doesn’t really know what Black Friday is, given his military background and constant fighting. But hey, when you hear that Inside Out and Jurassic World are on sale for $10 each, even the most reclusive person will step out for some Blu-Rays. Some stores have “doorbuster sales,” which Chief takes a bit too literally, and he ends up losing out on some sales (he’s good at losing things, ask Cortana after Halo 4), but he finally does manage to catch a break.
Anyone who plays Halo knows that it can be easy for someone to just come and knock you in the back of the head, and his trusty AI buddy Cortana is…indisposed, so Chief isn’t running at full capacity. His solution would be to bring in his old Spartan Blue Team for help. Kelly would be a speedy distraction and send people on a chase as she steals stuff from their carts, Linda would use her sniper to knock others out with sleeper darts, and Fred would go look at the washing machines and cause a scene. Anyone tries to wrestle the Chief over a movie, he’d just punch them in the face. Ever been punched in the face by a Spartan? It hurts.
Evie Frye
Evie loves books, and while she’s fully aware that Amazon is a thing that exists, there’s just nothing quite as thrilling as being out there and sneaking around, taking whatever she wants. So Black Friday for her is her favorite worst holiday ever, appealing to her inner Assassin and making her wonder if this is really a career path she wants to continue with for the rest of her life.
The bookstore is having some killer sales, so Evie decides to spend her day there, skimming over the books and marking them down in her journal to come back to later. She may also have gone and swiped the books from some people who were particularly rude as she bumped shoulders with them. Maybe. There’s one based on Alexander Graham Bell that she tries to make a grab for, but someone else also wants the book and yanks it away before booking it to her car. Evie uses her Rope Launcher to get through traffic and chase her down, slicing her tires with a dagger and punching the dude’s lights out to get the book. Never get between an avid reader and a book about their favorite subject, especially one like Evie.
Claptrap
Claptrap is a very quirky, very stupid robot. He hears the words “Black Friday”, and he’d paint himself black (horribly) and try to latch onto people for friendship. They don’t take it well, partially because they’re there for shopping and not a pal, and also partially because he’s Claptrap.
Honestly, the little robot is so chatty that he could probably just clear the store in about 20 minutes with his personality alone. Seriously, think about him following you around and getting so fed up that you just have to drive away to get away from him. And that’s not even counting his Action Skill that could have a disco ball pop up and music playing while he dances. Have you ever seen him dance? It’s not fun, dude. The employees would love him, but that would last for about 10 minutes before they straight up just throw him out of the store. Man, you’re the worst, Claptrap.
Lara Croft
Lara’s been through battles with a shadowy government organization, an island full of feral people, and possibly a Japanese god. She actually has some common fucking sense, so she just stays at home during Black Friday to do some online shopping. Yeah, that sounds like a lazy and anticlimactic thing to do, but after everything she’s been through over the past two games, why would she bother?
Scorpion
One would think that a ninja, especially the head of a ninja clan with fire hands, would be above something as fairly trivial as Black Friday. While that’s true, the young Takeda is not, so Scorpion goes along as part of a family outing, with only one rule: he can’t use his powers.
It starts off surprisingly well, admittedly. Takeda wants to find something for Jacqui for Christmas, and grabbing military gear is less of a hassle than either expected. Ditto picking up some dumb romcoms for the two of them to watch next time they’re off duty. It’s only when picking out clothes for themselves that things get complicated, especially when someone makes fun of Scorpion’s ponytail. The only thing worse than Black Friday? Causing a store to burst into flames on said day.
Commander Shepard
Whether you were the nicest person in existence or a complete and utter bastard, there’s no denying that Commander Shepard is one of the most influential people in the galaxy. They got warring races to calm down and find peace and unite the galaxy to fighting the Reapers. Something like Black Friday would, in a perfect world, be viewed as practice for them to show off their way with words.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, and neither does the Commander. All those words don’t do a damn thing towards getting people to give up their stuff, and not even pulling the “I saved the galaxy, so you owe me” card can get a free home theater. Filthy ingrates. Luckily, there is one method that still works, and that’s having enough guns and powers to rival the Avengers and a crew that isn’t willing to take anyone’s shit. They’re Commander Shepard, and this is why you do what they say the first time.
Who do you think would excel at Black Friday? Who’d fail and lose everything? Let us know in the comments below.
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