The New Year is here, meaning that some of us, me included, have made resolutions to get in shape! But if you’re one of those people who only goes to the gym for like, the first week and subsequently quits, there’s another way. Use your video games to help you get that body you’ve always wanted. Not just Dance Central or Xbox Fitness, though those are good choices. If dancing ain’t your thing, here’s some games that’ll get you you looking like the badass you’ve always wanted to be. Take it from us, the real fitness experts*!
*We are literally in no way experts in anything, except maybe bad jokes, but if you can’t afford a gym and find it’s too cold to go out running, give these a shot.
Dark Souls I & II
The Souls games are known for their crushing difficulty when compared to other games, so instead of letting it break down your spirit like an angry lumberjack dealing with a particularly stubborn tree, turn the tables and use its difficulty to get buns of steel. Every time you get hit, do a set of 10 squats. When you die, do a set of 25 squats; and when you’ve killed a major boss, do 3 sets of 10 squats while chanting “praise the sun” in the loudest voice you can muster.
WARNING: if you’re not the best at Dark Souls and find yourself doing too many squats you will bleed out of your ass and die. Exercise in moderation!
Far Cry 3 & 4
Far Cry 3 and 4 have taught us many things in the little over a month since its release. It’s taught us that sometimes patience pays off. It taught us that elephants are awesome. And more importantly, it taught us that if you want to survive in these tropical islands you’re gonna have to shed your doughy privileged skin and become a total monster.
To that end, you should lift appropriate weights – sets of 10 curls – whenever you’re attacked by a wild animal, meaning your arms will be slightly bigger than your murder count by the story’s second act (no weights? PUSHUPS!). Do 15 crunches during the loading screens, 30, whenever you unsuccessfully try to stealth take an outpost, or 20 when you do stealth take an outpost. For Far Cry 4, do a solid 30 second plank whenever an eagle comes by to wreck your shit. Then, when it tries to come after your core, it’ll just fly away in shame at its failure.
Mass Effect 1-3
Bioware’s sci-fi trilogy may have you wondering, “how the hell can I exercise to this game?”, but it is indeed possible. Start with a huge part of the game, obviously: conversation. Every Paragon or Renegade dialogue choice you make, do 10 squats or push-ups, or both if you feel like it, and 5 if you pick the neutral dialogue option.
For battle, we get serious. When an ally is downed do 15 crunches, 20 more if they come back after the battle is over and 25 more if you use medigel to revive them. Whenever you die, do 12 leg raises; do 6 if you’re close to death but manage to stay alive at the last minute. 10 standing leg raises whenever you level up, and 5 crunches plus 5 standing leg raises whenever you use a power, for yourself or your allies. And in Mass Effect 1, when you die and forget how completely dicks the checkpoint system was in it, do a minute-long plank. Increase the number of each of these by 10 when you go increase the difficulty level in your next playthrough.
Mario Kart 8
Literally all you have to do is just benchpress the son of a bitch who used the red or blue shell on you 35 times, and then toss them out a window.
But seriously, if you lose a race drop 5 pushups for every place behind first you get.
Diablo 3
If you live with a friend or significant other who also wants to get in shape and you have a console, you two can get fit from the comfort of your living room. Perform 15 squats whenever you level up, 15 crunches whenever you use mana, but find yourself out of it. When you get some super awesome loot, celebrate with 15 push-ups, and when you’re in a dungeon and realize that you’re lost, groan in annoyance while doing 20 squats.
Or, if you’re a super badass, go up to Nightmare difficulty and add 10 onto everything. If you die, you’ll be able to kick your console through your TV in rage. That’s one of the benefits of not skipping leg day!
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