The Ultimate Super Smash Bros. Roster That Nintendo Should Totally Copy From Me

Link: IN

Of course Link should be in the game. Why wouldn't he be in the game? ...Is there something you're not telling me? In this list of totally serious entries, Link is the first person on the board, The only umbrage I have with his presence in Smash Bros. Switch (which I will henceforth call Smitch) is that, judging by the trailer, they have opted for his Breath of the Wild attire. That costume really doesn't do it for me. They should have gone with a superior design, such as the one found in The Wand of Gamelon. That was a man with such constitution, he could devour an Octorock - enemies beware.

Wii Fit Trainer: OUT

I find these characters quite unsettling. With their monochromatic skin tone, their muted features, their lithe physiques... Is this what all of mankind will look like in the near future? It's a downright Orwellian concept, and I would like to nip it in the bud before it's too late. Begone, pasty yogis!

Fox & Falco: IN

Because my furry fan fiction couldn't possibly handle their exclusion. In one particularly gripping chapter, Fox discovers that Andross is in fact his biological father, and Falco becomes an android. Fox must choose which of these events he must prioritize, and a roller coaster of emotions ensues. Did I mention that I was the head writer for Star Fox Command?

Bowser & Bowser Jr.: IN

We like to support a stable family environment here at Twinfinite, and Bowser is a contender for dad of the year. It's apparent from the tutorial video for the Switch's parental controls that Bowser is an active and alert presence in his son's life. To omit them would be an omission of good parenthood, and we won't have any part of it. As for the Koopa Kids? Now that they're no longer considered Bowser's children, they can get lost. No room for freeloaders on this list!

Ganondorf: OUT

Dark lord of all evil, and perhaps Nintendo's greatest villain. Clone of the guy from F-Zero. Come on Ganondorf, that's just sad. Get your own thing, man, maybe take a game or two off and try to come up with an original moveset. He probably owes Captain Falcon millions of rupees in royalties by now - he's just lucky that his currency is literally found in bushes and pottery. Dude, the Hyrule economy is messed up.

All Pokemon Characters: OUT

Come on guys, the trend is dead. Pikachu and his pals have been hogging roster spots that should have been given to more deserving characters since the first Smash, and it's time to put a stop to that. Remember how Japan disappointed at the 2014 World Cup? I blame their partnership with Pokemon - the artwork of which included Fennekin, despite the fact that Fennekin is a quadruped and incapable of kicking a soccer ball. Madness!

Ivysaur: IN

Bring back Ivysaur, though. It's neat.

Meta Knight: OUT

Too nerfed. No good to anyone now.

Pit & Palutena: IN

At first I was going to say that these characters were out, but while typing their names, I accidentally wrote 'Pity' instead, and I thought that was deep. Was this supposed to be a reflection of self-pity? Or an indication that I should show mercy on these beings? Palutena is a goddess, and now, in a way, I am too. A benevolent one, not like those mean ones in Hercules. They were all very rude, but they had great abs. I wish I had great abs. ...Sorry, what? Oh yeah, Pity and Palutena. They can stay.

Yoshi & Wario: IN

Both of these characters are long overdue for a shakeup, so it's time they put their talents together in the manner represented in this photo. Fans of lovable dinosaurs and evil enterprising babies alike will be enraptured when they see that Yoshi and Wario have been repackaged as a unit. One condition: only the light blue Yoshi may stay. Any other variation of color is displeasing to my eyes, and as such, will not be permitted. Should someone attempt to recolor Yoshi, please contact your local authorities at once.

NEWCOMER: Elsa

You want this game to sell? You gotta hit those demographics, and hit them hard. The shelf life of Frozen is finite, but we should be able to boost buy rates in the underutilized 'disoriented toddler' market if we stick Elsa in there. She would have a unique moveset with a slew of ice attacks, and even her own stage built on the castle she made from sulking. It's things like this that make her my twenty-third favorite Disney princess.

Zero Suit Samus, Luigi & King Dedede: OUT

Who cares about these people, anyway? A penguin monarch, a wimpy sibling, and an existing character in a state of undress? It's time to trim the fat. If possible, I'd like to keep the orange shorts and halter top combo in-game, to be worn by any character you choose. Dibs on Wario.

Zelda & Rosalina: IN

Magic ladies are hip, a trend that has been on the rise since we first met Mildred Hubble (it's been a slow rise). As such, both Rosalina and Zelda get the nod. Incidentally, I don't know what's happening in this photo, and I'm not sure whether or not I like it. ...I think I do.

Lucina: OUT

The issue with Marth and Lucina is that they are effectively the same character, more so than the other clones in the Smash Bros. series. They even look similar, and Lucina is indeed a descendant of Marth. So I had to get rid of one, and in the end, I think I made the right choice.

Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Captain Falcon & Olimar: IN

I really liked the tagging mechanic that was present in the Donkey Kong Country games. As shown in the Subspace Emissary, this seemingly random quartet actually work together rather fantastically, so it would probably be a great idea to have them all operate as one single character that you could swap between at will, just like DKC except better because it adds a tiny spaceman and a sexy violent race car driver. Bonus option: Olimar's Pikmin could be used by the other characters. Maybe Captain Falcon throws them farther, and Diddy juggles them. Donkey Kong would probably just eat them, tbh.

NEWCOMER: John Cena

Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. These are the qualities touted by one of wrestling's biggest stars in recent history (it's not quite as catchy as 'intensity, integrity, intelligence', but beggars can't be choosers), and they could serve him well in a Smash Bros. arena. Well, maybe not so much loyalty or respect, but hustling for sure. He also has the added benefit that opponents can't see him. And, if you dig deeper into his history, they may be unable to touch him, too.

Samus & Little Mac: IN

Because I ship them so hard. And according to a quick Google image search, so does the rest of the Internet. Incidentally, that's a much more pleasant image search than 'Pikachu & Samus', so spare yourself the agony.

Kirby: OUT

I thought we already got rid of Jigglypuff? Ugh, out!

Peach & Dr. Mario: IN

As the wise bard BrentalFloss once said, "I am Dr. Mario and I am saving lives." Dr. Mario has dedicated his life to the health and well-being of the community, and there is no better way to do this than by mercilessly pummeling his peers. He gets to stay, alongside Peach, whose dead-eyed stare in this picture frightened me too much not to include her.

NEWCOMER: Ridley

I FINALLY DID IT, GUYS. I've worked out the problem that has been plaguing Smash fans for years... How to include Ridley without compromising his considerable size? It's so simple - you just add him to the roster in his baby form from Other M! Ridley enthusiasts around the world can rejoice with his adorable antics. Top tier, perhaps? I sure think so.

Pac-Man & Mr. Game & Watch: OUT

The eldest characters in the series, both of these guys were born in the distant year of 1980. What good could they be on the battlefield? According to the latest Smash 4 tiers, they're languishing in the bottom third. It's probably because they're geriatrics, and need to retire. Why, they're as old as Kim Kardashian and Channing Tatum - they're practically dinosaurs!!

Dark Pit: OUT

All jokes aside, what the hell, Sakurai.

Lucas: OUT

I don't understand the obsession with this character. He starred in one game that Nintendo didn't even think was worth translating, yet people are treating him like he's the second coming of the messiah. He's not getting anywhere near the Smitch roster... That is, until we release him as paid DLC. Lucas money is just as green as any other money.

NEWCOMER: RoboCop

It's clear that the world of Smash Bros. is one where the law is not taken seriously, and something has to be done about that. We need a man/machine who had the bravery and wits necessary to clean up the mean streets of Detroit. If you're concerned that he might be a bit much for the younger demographic (ie. the children playing as Elsa), we can base him off of that part of RoboCop 2 where he was reprogrammed to be nicer. Wouldn't you like to see RoboCop defeat Donkey Kong by giving him a stern lecture?

Mega Man: IN

But on the condition that they get rid of his godawful, dated look. I will only accept the more lifelike and relatable version from Street Fighter x Tekken. Now that's a REAL Mega Man.

Marth: OUT

The issue with Marth and Lucina is that they are effectively the same character, more so than the other clones in the Smash Bros. series. They even look similar, and Lucina is indeed a descendent of Marth. So I had to get rid of one, and in the end, I think I made the right choice.

NEWCOMER: The entire cast of Dragon Ball Z

Should we add Goku? Should we add Vegeta? Should we be courageous and add Garlic Jr.? It's best to just play it safe, and go with the entire cast of DBZ. That'll definitely get people talking, and we could even model them after the old Budokai games where they all have basically the same move set. Gohan is a clone of Piccolo is a clone of Krillin is a clone of Puar. Magnificent.

Sheik & Shulk: IN

These two mostly get to stay because their names put next to one another sound like an awful lot of fun. It's reminiscent of an early 90s Nickelodeon program, and it probably stars Michelle Trachtenberg as Sheik. Or Shulk - who are we to judge?

Cloud: OUT

You shouldn't even be here... Begone, wannabe. BEGONE!

NEWCOMER: Jareth, the Goblin King

He's got mystical powers, a fabulous singing voice and a bulge that we can only describe as his overwhelming charisma. Jareth would not only make for a fabulous new addition to the Smitch cast, he would also be well-suited to supplying the soundtrack of every level, too. Our budget can only afford a MIDI version of 'Magic Dance', but it's better than nothing. On that note, I never quite understood how thunder, lightning or something allegedly frightening would be able to stop a baby from crying, but in all fairness, I don't have kids. Maybe it works wonders.

R.O.B.: IN

Don't think R.O.B. should be involved? I get it, the only noteworthy thing R.O.B. did was, oh, you know... save the video game industry. Back when the video game crash of the 80s scared retailers off, Nintendo marketed the Robotic Operating Buddy as a toy in order to dissuade their fears. And lo and behold, it worked, and here we are thirty years later, deliberating on the upcoming Smash Bros. roster. Thank you, R.O.B.! (PS: your games were garbage.)

Ryu: OUT

Look, I know that Ryu is an important character in fighting game history, and that's all well and good, but the simple fact of the matter is that he is very boring. If you went on a blind date with him, you would text your friends and beg them to bail you out. He probably wouldn't pay the bill either, because he has never had a job. Don't worry, I'm mostly just doing this so I can add Ken in his place.

NEWCOMER: Ken

Ken makes for an obvious inclusion, with a range of talents and accessories to draw on for a potential moveset. The only tricky thing is trying to work out which version of Ken would be best suited for Smash. My personal vote goes for Earring Magic Ken, the bestselling Ken doll of all time. That's definitely worth celebrating.

Inklings: OUT

That would be an excellent twist, wouldn't it? If their inclusion in the trailer was actually meant as a segue into the Smash Bros. Switch reveal, and everyone just misinterpreted it? Now the people at Nintendo are all 'oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!!'

Mii: IN

See? Your favorite character made it in, after all. Wahoo!

Every character I already own an amiibo for: IN

Because otherwise they'll be useless, dammit... USELESS!!

Mario: OUT

Do you remember how shocking it was in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance when they killed off Liu Kang? It got the whole community buzzing, and showed that they were ready to take the franchise in a bold new direction. And that's what they must do here. The opening cinematic for the new Smash Bros. game will show Mario's neck being broken by Shang Tsung and Quan Chi. Neither of those characters will appear at any other point in the game, because that would be inappropriate.