We are mere hours away from the next entry in the God of War franchise – a coming home of sorts for the tragic and brutal tale of Kratos. With his young son at his side, he must finally learn to harness the rage within that has caused him such grief over the years, lest the fruit of his loins grow up to be just as ruthless and cold-blooded as he.
Over the years, we’ve grown accustomed, even desensitized to Kratos’ malice: his single-minded mission of revenge fuelling his every action. It’s a defining trait of his character, whether he’s ripping the limbs off pleading Gods, or showing the audacity to raise hands at lovable old Shovel Knight. His motives may be reasonable on face value (tricked into murdering your family and becoming eternally covered in their ashes would make anyone cranky), but it doesn’t excuse the fact that Kratos is, ultimately, one of the biggest Jerky McJerkfaces in gaming.
What follows is a list of some of his most egregious moments of douchebaggery, and needless to say, violence and spoilers are abundant. A lot of spoiled days too, to be frank.
Sacrificed Soldier
We start with one of his lesser evils, one that in hindsight almost deserves a mulligan. The Athenian soldier put to his gruesome death was a means to an end, but the end he met was still pretty mean. Occurring in the first God of War game (back when Kratos was filled with boyish charm and optimism), this poor fellow just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, trapped in a cage in Poseidon’s corridor. He begs to be freed so that they may return to Athens, but without a moment’s hesitation, Kratos decides that he would look a lot better if he was burnt to a crisp.
In fairness, Kratos needs the sacrifice to be completed in order to progress, but he isn’t the slightest bit apologetic, shoving the cage towards its final fiery destination while the soldier cries out for mercy. To make matters worse, the actor who plays this soldier is none other than Rob Paulsen, aka the voice of your freakin’ childhood. How do you feel as you watch Yakko Warner go up in flames? Knowing that you cost the lives of not one, but two Ninja Turtles? You killed Gusto Gummi, you bastard – show some regret!!
Poseidon’s Princess
Don’t let the continued alliteration lull you into a false sense of security, this one just feels genuinely icky. From deep within Poseidon’s Chamber midway through God of War 3, a voice cries for help. Kratos finds her, a slave chained to the floor, chest bared for no apparent reason other than boobs for boobs’ sake, and a young woman whose day is about to go from bad to worse.
Despite her protests, he frees her from her imprisonment and forces her to join him on a merry venture, eventually shoving her under a heavy crank to keep a door open so that he may progress. He takes only a few steps before he hears a shriek and the door falls, but only halfway. Whether it’s from morbid curiosity or sickening titillation, most double back to learn of her fate, and find her mangled body jammed in the wheel, a pool of blood painting the floor red.
In the same manner as the Athenian soldier, this hapless woman is nothing more than a solution to progress Kratos’ agenda, but there is a cruelty, if not an underlying glee to the whole affair. To the soldier, Kratos declares, “The Gods demand sacrifice, from all of us.” To this prisoner, whose first reaction upon seeing him is to recoil in horror: “Hold your tongue.” She is an object, no different from a crate, to be wedged in place.
On a storytelling front, it could be considered the degeneration of a man whose lust for vengeance has rendered him practically heartless. On a game design front, however, there is much more to unpack. How exactly are we supposed to care about Kratos’ attempts at becoming a better man in the Nordic hinterlands, when we ultimately know that he is already beyond redemption?
Peirithous’ Freedom
Also taking place in God of War 3, Peirithous’ encounter with Kratos is yet another that ends unfavorably, though in this case, seemingly without any particular reason. Peirithous is found in the Underworld, sentenced to an eternity of damnation and trapped in a cage of bramble. He offers the Bow of Apollo in exchange for his release, moaning that he has ‘suffered enough.’
Old Kratos however, figures that Peirithous could stand to suffer just a little more. Conventional wisdom would suggest that a man powerful enough to slay gods should be able to bust open what is effectively a wooden box, but Kratos takes a more creative approach, charging towards the cage atop a Cerberus Hellhound, and setting it alight. Peirithous does his best Rob Paulsen impression as he wails in agony, and the deed is done. Kratos has scored himself a sweet new bow, as well as notching a few more points on the jerk tally.
Olympic Slam
While scaling a building in flames during a daytrip to Olympia, Kratos happens upon a man clinging desperately for dear life, trapped on the ledge of the windowsill. A circle icon appears above his head, indicating that you may interact with this man. Surely, this is the ‘put this innocent chap atop your back and carry him to safety’ button, right? Pressing it causes Kratos to smash the Olympian’s head against the wall, and fling him to the ground far below. Hmm, maybe it was R2 to save him? Shucks, sorry big fella.
As you may have expected, this occurred in God of War 3, at a point where Kratos was fresh out of farts to give (good censorship, eh?). This was a guy who was in his way, and who he chose to relocate appropriately, but the face bashing part feels a bit superfluous. You could almost reason that this was Kratos’ attempt at pity, ending the man’s life instantly before he plummets to his doom, but that really isn’t much in line with his character. For him to even show that flimsy bit of consideration would be a reach, and it’s more likely he a) didn’t want him to try and grab hold of anything as he fell, b) wanted to test the strength of the wall for Occupational Health & Safety purposes, or c) did it for a giggle or two.
You know the right answer. Don’t try and convince yourself otherwise.
The Continued Harassment of Poseidon
Kratos has something of a love/hate relationship with Poseidon, progressively causing the Sea God more grief until he eventually does him in like all the rest.
The two have their differences throughout the series, but were able to form a temporary allegiance in the first God of War, with Poseidon gifting the Spartan with the power to cast lightning in order to slay the Hydra. Kratos repays him for his generosity by unleashing the volcanic Titaness Thera, sinking Poseidon’s beloved city of Atlantis in the process. Top move, Kratos.
In their final encounter, Kratos gouges out Poseidon’s eyes before breaking his neck with vigor. Say what you will about the eye gouging, it’s the subsequent consequences that truly resonate. The God’s death causes the oceans to rise and flood most of the world, no doubt wiping out a sizable percentage of the population in one fell swoop.
Eternal Darkness
So let’s talk about priorities for a moment. In God of War 3, Kratos is throwing what is effectively a very masculine hissy fit by dropping the deities of Mt. Olympus left, right and center. When he encounters the Sun God, Helios, he has a pretty critical decision to make: spare him, and move onto more constructive activities like calligraphy or ballroom dancing. Or straight up execute him, thereby plunging the planet into blackness. Considering the kind of grouch we’re talking about here, it’s fairly obvious which route he took.
Helios’ shuffle off this mortal coil looks particularly unenviable, with Kratos forcibly removing his noggin as if he were a shoddy action figure. Seeing as Helios is, you know, literally the embodiment of the sun, sinister clouds gather overhead, and any crops that weren’t already wiped out by the previous floods are well and truly screwed now.
As always, Kratos sees the bright side (quite literally), discovering that Helios’ head makes for an excellent flashlight. Perhaps if he were feeling really keen, he could even use it as a delightful hand puppet! Fun for the whole family! Except Helios. No fun for him.
Turning Zeus’ Face Into a Swimming Pool
By the end of God of War 3, Kratos has destroyed pretty much everything and everyone in Greek mythology, not only dooming mankind with floods and darkness, but pretty much ruining cryptozoology for future generations. Only Zeus remains, the major antagonist of the game, and a character whose motives seem far more reasonable than those of Kratos himself. He saw that Kratos was a threat whose aggressive and violent tendencies may one day lead to the downfall of the Gods, and that was a fair assumption to make, all things considered. Kratos is mostly miffed because Zeus lacks the ability to rid him of his nightmares, and is less than thrilled to discover that he is his father, to boot.
Whether or not you think he deserves to die for what basically amounts to cheeky antics in a particularly dire era, surely his fate should not see him become the recipient of a beating so barbaric, it coats the screen in blood. A strongly written warning, sure, and maybe even a time out. But holy hats, man, that’s something else. We shudder to think what the Nordic gods have in store, and if they want to avoid a similar fate, they’d best be smart and try to remain Loki….
Side note: If Kratos caught wind of that last pun, he’d probably kill us in some horrible fashion. But you wouldn’t press that circle button, would you?
…Would you?
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