Nate and Elena Get a Divorce and Live Happier, Separate Lives
These two are a mess, and it’s about time Uncharted 4 acknowledges it. No couple that breaks up every two years is stable and Nathan Drake can obviously never be tied down. Sure, he can put a ring on it. He can even say he loves her. But he’ll always be thinking of the adventure, the fast lane, the treasure. She probably thinks she can change him but, honey, he doesn’t even change his shirt. Look at all that grime on it. Moving on is hard to do, but it’s about time these two do exactly that. The last thing they have in common is that both of them are hot. How very Hollywood of them.
How it should go down:
ELENA
Drake, I… I think I just realized we have nothing in common.
DRAKE
Wow, Elena, I’m so glad you brought that up. I was thinking the same, exact thing. I love one thing and one thing alone: treasure. You like cinematography or some shit, I don’t know, we never really expanded on that.
ELENA
Do you think we should break up-
DRAKE
(at the same time)
Break up, yeah! Totally! That’s what I was thinking! For good this time, though.
ELENA
How high school of us to keep breaking up and getting back together.
DRAKE
Right? Who do we think we are, Ross and Rachel? That only works on TV.
ELENA
Oh God, Nate, I’m so happy right now! You’ve held me down for years.
DRAKE
Same to you, Elena. Now… Let’s go get that annulment.
ELENA
Yeah, sounds great.
END SCENE
Sully and Chloe Take Over the Series as Far More Interesting Characters
Maybe at the end of Uncharted 4, Sully and Chloe look at each other and realize that they’ve spent a lot of time thinking of themselves as sidekicks, and it’s time to take hold and be the protagonists of their lives. They make a pact to never again live in Drake or Elena’s shadows. They take yoga together and go to brunch on Sundays. Chloe and Sully become really great friends and never hear from their self-centered ex-friends again.
How it should go down:
CHLOE
Sully, have you ever noticed how they never ask us how we’re doing?
SULLY
It is ALWAYS about them with those two.
CHLOE
Seriously. To be honest, I’m kind of sick of it. Like, they hadn’t even spoken to us in years and now suddenly they need help.
SULLY
What have they done for us?
CHLOE
What have they done for us lately, indeed.
SULLY and CHLOE turn around and never look back. They set out to forge their own paths in life.
END SCENE
Nathan Drake Dies By Something Lame, Like the Flu
This man has survived the most intense shit thrown at him, yet the advertisements for Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End want us to believe it’s going to end, maybe with him dying. Yeah, sure. Listen, if that does happen, he better die from something supremely lame. Like the flu, or a paper cut that gets infected. I’m talking really, really lame. I want him to die from shaving with a rusty razor by mistake. Or never realizing he had an allergy to strawberries.
How it should go down:
ELENA
Nate, now that you’re done saving the world from certain doom through your desecration of human history, I’m really glad we can have a relaxing day out and grab some smoothies.
DRAKE
I’m happy to be here with you, my wife, who is not at all like an anchor. Glad to be here, in this Smoothie King, instead of adventuring through the world as people can only dream of doing. Hi, yeah, can I have the Strawberry Berry Berry Blast in a large, please?
END SCENE
Literally No Treasure Is Found and Nothing Magical Happens
This is a best case scenario, really, as it means nothing scary goes on in Uncharted 4. Ah, what a wonderful world that would be. No skeleton armies, no demons, no zombies. Sure, there might be a firefight, it is Uncharted after all. But nothing scary will happen. Hopefully.
How it should go down:
DRAKE
Oh, we were wrong. There’s no treasure here. There probably was never any treasure. Or maybe there was, but, understandably, it was found a thousand years ago and we’re late to the party. What an oversight. How foolish were we to think that treasure actually exists in this day and age of modern technology, right? Ha-ha. Well, hey, it was a bonding experience. Let’s go home; I miss my wife.
END SCENE
Something Magical Does Happen and it Makes Uncharted a Prequel For Crash Bandicoot
Why would a bandicoot wear pants and shoes? Unless this bandicoot were secretly a human in another life, fully sentient with the shame of a naked body as only a human would be. That’s right, what if a magical explosion at the end (as magical explosions do) makes Nathan Drake into the famous Crash Bandicoot? It explains why Crash runs and jumps so well, doesn’t it? Also why Crash looks so humanoid despite bandicoots basically looking like mice. We’re onto something here.
How it should go down:
DRAKE
Ah! A magical explosion! I’m… I’m transformi-BDJSJHFJDN BOONDAGA!
END SCENE
About the author
