Fire Emblem. They’re the words on every Nintendo fan’s lips at the moment.
Take a quick scan of the internet, and it’s flooded with Fire Emblem musings and commentary. The local water cooler is teeming with gossip of a ‘fire this’ and ‘emblem that’ nature. Dogs and cats around the world, barking and meowing into the void, in what experts can only conclude is discourse focused solely on the franchise.
Obviously, feelings are mixed, with Byleth’s recent reveal as the fifth Smash Bros. DLC fighter garnering something between apathy and indignation from the masses. More quietly, however, there is also cause for celebration, now that we know that there is a mysterious fourth house for us to interact with (and risk our careers by seducing shamelessly).
Since Three Houses has recaptured the public’s attention, it seems an appropriate time to steer the discussion back towards one of the game’s most important and indispensable mechanics: tea parties, or more specifically, who makes for the most suitable companion in such an endeavor.
I know you’re excited. So do me a favor — shut up, sit down in those chairs and drink your goddamn TEA!
Raphael
If you were to describe Raphael in one word, it would be bursting. Bursting with energy. Bursting from his shirt. Bursting to go to the toilet after all of the tea I’ve been forcing down his throat. Drink up big boy, you’ve got to make sensei proud.
To many, tea parties are the stomping grounds of the noble folk, making this humble son of a merchant family a particularly gargantuan fish out of water. However, it’s his earnest simplicity that makes him such an endearing candidate for teatime.
You won’t be judged for your attire or your choice of tea when you’re hanging out with Raphael. His vacant stare belies the beating heart of an enlightened man, for he realizes that a person ought to be judged only by their ability to lift weights and hit things. Are you good at either of those? If not, he’d be more than willing to teach you the ropes.
Also, I appreciate the fact that his conversations are straightforward and easy to guess. Skip the library chitchat and talk about something heavy. Literally heavy, mind you, not like an upsetting discussion about society’s ills.
Ignatz
He’s bright, he’s meek, and he’s got the single biggest post-time skip glow up you’ve ever seen. He’s Ignatz, and he should be on anyone’s list of potential teatime partners.
There’s just something so peaceful and reassuring about this verdant haired student, and if you’re lucky, he might even gift you with an exquisite painting to celebrate the occasion. Frame it and put it on your wall, or sell it for a tidy profit down at the marketplace, it’s win/win, really.
Though a date with his childhood pal Raphael is inoffensive and pleasant, tea with Ignatz will give you an opportunity to flex that grey matter. He’s charming and well-read, and the lilting tone of his voice makes my face, well, red.
I think he’d like that kind of wordplay. I’ll have to corner him in the hallway and see what he thinks. If he considers running, I’m sure I can chase him down. I’ve trained all my life for this moment.
Hapi
We may have only recently met Hapi, but it’s clear that she will make for a most suitable teatime companion. It just means I’ll have to cancel the previous date that I had scheduled with… Lorenz? Oh, gross, glad I dodged that bullet.
Despite her name, this Abyssian is decidedly unhappy, opining that the Ashen Wolves’ ventures are in vain, and that death is assuredly coming for us all anyway. True though that may be, it doesn’t exactly make for rousing conversation. We don’t want tears in our tea, there’s already enough salt in the community over Byleth’s Smash invitation as it is.
But there’s something incredibly alluring about Hapi, and maybe all she needs is the right companion to put a smile on her face. I’m keen to find out what kind of tea she likes best, whether it’s light and fruity, aromatic and bold, or two other arbitrary tea-related adjectives that don’t really mean anything.
I am legitimately excited by the possibilities, and that is probably an indictment on me as a human being. Let me enjoy my imaginary tea friends, OK?
Ashe
He is pure and must be protected. The best way to protect him is with tea, probably.
Another young man of common birth, Ashe was brought in by Lord Lonato and taught the ways of the elite. Despite this, he remains grounded and loveable, and all he wants is to be a knight. He certainly has the chivalrous temperament for it, but he does not look at all comfortable when you reclass him to an armored unit.
But we mustn’t tell him that. Let’s instead regale him with rousing stories of heroes over a hot cup or two, and make sure that he never defects to another house. My blackened heart couldn’t handle such abandonment, and the mere thought of watching him turn his back on his countryfolk keeps me awake at night.
Also, he’s the only unit naturally equipped with lock touch, and I need him to steal some stuff. He’s good at stealing stuff, you know.
Dorothea
There’s plenty of interesting women in the Black Eagles house to invite to tea. You might opt for Petra if you want a slightly awkward yet rewarding discussion about hunting and culture shock. Or perhaps you’d prefer Bernadetta, as long as you’re willing to accept the fact that any loud noises or prolonged stares could set her fleeing.
The truly cultured among us, however, know that Dorothea is the most distinguished guest for teatime, song time or Hammer Time, on the off chance that such a situation should arise. Plus, this is the perfect opportunity to tell her to lose that whack ass hat. Lull her into a false sense of security, them boom! Lay a truth bomb down on her.
Of course, this lovesick diva can turn from sweet to nasty in a heartbeat, so consider your words carefully unless you want to get a face full of piping hot pekoe. As a wise man once said, ‘a quick wit is best accompanied by quick reflexes’.
Strangely enough, Dorothea is yet another Garreg Mach student on this prestigious list who rose above her position on society’s totem pole. This leads me to believe that I actually have a secret vendetta against nobles that I was unaware of.
Eat the rich! And eat some cakes, while you’re at it.
Lysithea
Poor Lysithea, younger than her classmates, is constantly feeling the pressure to be more mature. She hates being talked down to and treated as a child, so she would no doubt leap at any chance to engage in something so esteemed as a lovely tea party.
Lysithea’s most prominent quality — other than her aloof and often churlish air of antagonism — is her love of all things sweet. It’s quite distressing how we go to the effort of putting out an entire spread of baked goods at these gatherings, only for them to be ignored entirely.
Indeed, if you opt not to end the party immediately, they’ll simply sit there staring blankly into your eyes as they sip tea for hours on end. I know that cup would be empty eventually, you lying dog of pantomime!
I’m confident that once you finally depart however, Lysithea will take the opportunity to devour every single dessert within arm’s reach. Her workout routine must have an intensive amount of cardio, because she never seems to put on any weight.
Dedue
Poor Dedue doesn’t get nearly as much love as he should, and probably doesn’t register on anyone’s radar for suitable teatime candidates. Those who have shared a brew with Dedue know what the others are missing out on, however, because you walk away feeling refreshed and refocused.
Don’t let his towering figure and questionable table manners fool you, Dedue’s passion is enough to ignite your very soul. Just be warned, he’ll probably mention Duscur within the first five minutes, and again at two-minute intervals following that.
Hey, did you know that he’s from Duscur? Have you heard about his life in Duscur? Did you want to talk about Duscur some more? Duscur Duscur Duster release Mother 3 Duscur Duscur.
Maybe with some prodding, you could get him to lighten up a bit. Would it be inappropriate to tickle Dedue? I was going to ask the last person who tried, but they still haven’t awoken from the coma yet so it’s pretty tricky.
The House Leaders, in Very Specific Circumstances
It was bound to upset people if their beloved house leader was left off this list in favor of their rivals, so I couldn’t lean too far in one direction. Instead, I chose to lean in three directions in quick succession, a phenomenon that must look particularly weird to whoever is sitting next to me at the time.
So all three royals get an invite, however there are strings attached as to when I would appreciate their company. First, Dimitri will only be included pre-time skip. This is the purest form of the Boar Prince, when he is upstanding, self-doubting and sweet-tempered, like a blonde version of Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles.
After the tragic events that follow, he’s a changed man, and he has no time for frivolous activities. His brooding, surly demeanor post-time skip is an unwelcome sight at tea parties and children’s parties alike. He’s liable to go around flinging teapots, popping balloons and beheading the birthday child, and that’s only very rarely acceptable.
Claude, on the other hand, will only be invited post-time skip. His devil-may-care attitude beforehand may seem enticing, but I want to share my tea with a more grounded, mature young man. He needs to have seen the troubles of the world, and to be taken down a peg.
Plus, he’s much hotter post-time skip, and my thirst isn’t limited strictly to tea. Hopefully, he learns to keep his damned elbows off the table though, because that’s rude no matter how attractive you are. You’re leading the Leicester Alliance here, Claude, not the Lackadaisical Alliance.
As for Edelgard, she will only be invited in her endgame appearance, or in other words, when she — heavy spoiler warning — looks like this. You may have your doubts, but that conversation is going to be absolutely fascinating.
But what do you think? Who would you like to invite to share in a gratifying cup of tea? And where do you stand on Byleth’s inclusion in Smash? Are you vexed and outraged? Positive and optimistic? Or do you just want to read a completely unrelated article about boobies?
Here at Twinfinite, we cater to all demands! …Low-key though, that last link is probably going to get the most clicks. We know how you work, internet.
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