There’s little worse than a bandwagon fan. You know the kind, the one who’s suddenly become a fan of the hottest team in the league, despite being incapable of naming half of the roster. For years, Miami Heat jerseys were dotted around town like sprinkles on a donut. Most of them brandished the familiar number 6 of LeBron James, though some who wanted to appear more cultured opted for Dwyane Wade, instead.
Lo and behold, once LeBron returned home to Cleveland like the prodigal son, all of the luster surrounding Miami mysteriously vanished; they had practically become the Miami Cold. In their place was the wine and gold jerseys of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Suddenly, everyone was waving their flag for Ohio, of all the places in the world. At least, up until the Cavs got shell shocked by Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors. You can probably guess what happened next.
The point is, there is nothing special about latching onto the best team. It’s boring, it’s unadventurous, and in gaming, it’s practically criminal. No matter what the sport, no matter which season, there’s always some team that you’ll encounter again and again online, leaving you shaking your head in dismay. It’s time to call a spade a spade and a Brady a Brady – here are eight of the most infamously cheap teams in sports games.
8. Miami Dolphins (NFL Street)
More often than not, whoever appears on the cover of a game is a safe bet to be particularly potent on the field, and in an effort to increase intrigue, his teammates get a boost, too. This particular cover boy, the mercurial Ricky Williams, is a speedy, punishing runner out of the backfield, and he has some serious talent surrounding him like Jason Taylor, Patrick Surtain, Junior Seau, Chris Chambers and Sam Madison.
This is all fair enough, they were legitimately dominant players back in 2004 – but the fact that journeyman quarterback Jay Fiedler was given particularly generous ratings in passing, speed and carrying certainly raises a few eyebrows. About the only one who didn’t receive much love was poor old Brian Griese, who is worse than Fiedler in almost every category, though curiously, is a much better blocker. Odds are, most people opted not to put Griese on the offensive line.
7. Pittsburgh Penguins (NHL ’94)
Though none of the teams in NHL ’94 leap off the page as overly dominant, a more thorough (hip) check reveals that Pittsburgh are solid in all areas, and happen to feature the best weapon in the game. Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux is the only player rated 100 overall, and the other forwards are no slouches either, including Jaromir Jagr (80), Kevin Stevens (77) and Ron Francis (75). These figures may not sound spectacular, but NHL ’94 was particularly stingy in that regard. For perspective, Trevor Linden held a 78 rating, and that’s just sacrilege.
The Pens’ defense isn’t quite as stacked, but in theory, the team would be able to put enough pucks into the net to prevent that from ever being an issue. If worse came to worse, Tom Barrasso still proved an effective goaltender, just to make things even more unfair. Especially if you were an Anaheim fan, a team so terrible in NHL ’94 that their best chance for success was perhaps not showing up at all.
6. Atlanta Falcons (Madden NFL 2004)
What could a flawed team coming off a 9-6-1 record that was handled easily by Philadelphia in the Divisional Playoffs possibly achieve in the next season? Game-breaking dominance, that’s what. Despite not even being the highest-ranked team in their division, the ’04 Atlanta Falcons rose to prominence based chiefly on the presence of Michael Vick at quarterback. 95 speed, 95 agility, 94 acceleration, and away you go, you dirty scoundrels, you.
Though Vick wouldn’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn as a passer, it didn’t matter, because his gratuitous 97 throw power statistic meant he could heave it over defenders’ heads. And even if every single receiver was locked down, Vick was simply impossible to catch. He was like a cheat code all unto himself, to the point where the following year’s Madden entry made a concerted effort to buff up defenses.
Vick may have ended up disappointing as a football player (and even more so as a human being), but his digital persona of the mid-2000’s will always have its place in pigskin lore.
5. Miami Heat (NBA 2K13)
You could basically pick any of the Heat squads during LeBron’s reign of terror for this list, but the 2013 edition that went on to win the Larry O’Brien Trophy was especially fearsome. LeBron and Wade were an incredible one-two punch, Ray Allen added sharpshooting at crucial moments, and Chris Bosh was excellent at both grabbing boards and looking like a lizard.
Ironically, the major competition for the Heat’s dominance in this season was the Los Angeles Lakers’ ill-fated attempt at a super team. Dwight Howard was prematurely anointed the new Shaquille O’Neal, while Steve Nash was assumed to not actually be an animated corpse masquerading as a basketball player. In the end, their free agent gambit was akin to fitting wheels on a tomato – time-consuming and completely unnecessary.
4. Utah Jazz (NBA Jam)
John Stockton. Karl Malone. A combined 24 All-Star Games and 4 Olympic Gold Medals, 2 MVP wins for Malone, 9 straight seasons leading the NBA in assists for Stockton. Put them into NBA Jam’s 2-on-2 arcade madness and you have a formula for supremacy. With Michael Jordan glaringly absent from the roster, the top spot was up for grabs, and though other teams featured some notable legends of their own, none were quite as complementary as the Mailman and his teammate (Stockton never really had a cool nickname. Let’s call him Christmas Bauble and see if it sticks).
Stockton had the speed and shooting capability to infuriate defenses by himself, but it was of course his pinpoint passes to Malone that were most effective. Karl Malone dunked over opponents, through opponents, and possibly even under opponents if he could find a way. Add to that the fact that both men were ball-hungry pickpockets on defense, and victims were left flailing – crushed by the dominance of Malone and the Christmas Bauble.
3. Golden State Warriors (NBA 2K18)
The Golden State Warriors are not dissimilar to a child poking a dog with a stick. It’s all well and good fun until the dog bites your arm off, at which point you return with your big brother. Incidentally, your big brother is 6’9” and weighs 240 lb.
When Kevin Durant joined the already loaded Warriors in the summer of ’16, it was met with a collective sigh by the wider basketball community, as the ultimate show of the rich getting richer. After gobbling up Cleveland in the Finals, it was inevitable that they would be a wrecking ball in 2K18. Between the sheer dominance of Durant, Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green, they can come at you from any angle. Add the hilarious JaVale McGee to the mix, as well as the reliable bench presence of Andre Iguodala and the conveniently timed cheap shots of Zaza Pachulia, and it’s basically a no-brainer. If your opponent chooses Golden State, just suck it up and expect the worst.
2. New England Patriots (Madden NFL ‘08)
In stark contrast to the earlier statement that cover athletes received glorious benefits in-game, Vince Young’s Tennessee Titans were not in fact given this distinction. Best remembered as a group of plucky overachievers, Vince’s electrifying athleticism masked his questionable decision-making skills. Considering this, it’s surprising that he beat Tom Brady to the Madden cover by a decade, especially as using the ’08 Patriots squad is the equivalent to sitting on your opponent’s face. It’s just not nice, you see.
Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Asante Samuel, Richard Seymour, the list goes on and on, without a single weakness to be found. Even some of the backups were better than other team’s starters – they were just that good. The Patriots were nigh unstoppable in this edition, short of David Tyree’s helmet suddenly being made of crazy glue.
1. Los Angeles Raiders (Tecmo Bowl)
Quick! Name three players on the LA Raiders’ Tecmo Bowl roster other than Bo Jackson. If you said Tim Brown, Todd Christensen and Howie Long, then good on you! You honored the presence of two Pro Football Hall of Famers (and in Christensen’s case, a man who belongs in the Mustache Hall of Fame, for sure). In the context of Tecmo Bowl, however, they will be playing the role of cheerleaders, watching on eagerly as Bo Jackson dodges everything and everyone in his path.
Michael Vick may have been the most broken player in Madden history, but even he pales in comparison to Tecmo Bo, whose tiny little sprite galloped all over the field and our shattered hearts without a care in the world. Indeed, it was probably harder to try not scoring a touchdown when the ball was in Bo’s hands, with every defender appearing to be literally half his speed. How could he possibly be beaten? Only Bo knows. And he’s probably not about to tell you.
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