The Smash Bros series is defined, in part, by its self-oneupmanship. Each new edition adds more thrilling and shocking characters to its lineup, with each Direct becoming an event unto itself. We all know how we felt when Solid Snake popped out of that box. Or when the Final Fantasy VII reverie sounded. Or when Sothis instructed Byleth to join the fray.
…Hmm, one of those is not like the others…
But for every major bombshell, there are two to three supplementary characters. Safe hands who ought to have been included, and whose reveal is met with a round of polite applause not dissimilar to sinking a birdie.
With everyone’s eyes already on the horizon for what lies next in Smash Bros, there are still many gems to be unearthed. With that said, why not pay some mind to those glue guys who help fill out the roster — the veritable special teamers without whom a squad could not survive?
Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story… the Tale of the Six Safe and Reasonable Characters for the Next Smash Bros.
Don’t worry, we can workshop the title, I swear it’s really scary.
Waluigi
Truth be told, I was a part of the anti-Waluigi movement for Ultimate. My initial reasoning was simple: once he was confirmed as an Assist Trophy, it just made no logical sense to me for anything further to develop.
What happened next, however, was emblematic of everything that is wrong with the Internet. Entitled shut-ins with nothing going on in their lives — no, I’m not pulling up on that statement, you know it’s true — decided that harassing Sakurai was the solution to their alleged besmirching.
With this in mind, I’d be fine if Waluigi never resurfaced in this series again, but let’s try to remain impartial on this for the sake of journalistic integrity (pause for laughter). Fresh game, a fresh start, fresh Waaaaaaa!
Due to his lack of a consistent set of abilities or traits, he offers an unpredictable moveset that keeps opponents guessing. Will he construct a wall of brambles, a la Super Mario Strikers Charged? Or summon a tidal wave, as he does in Mario Power Tennis? Will mans just straight-up boogie because DDR: Mario Mix was his only role as the central antagonist?
Consider him a blank slate with a startling fashion sense. He’s yours to mould, Smash enthusiasts.
Dixie Kong
Of all the candidates on this list, this is the one I could picture garnering the strongest reaction.
When K. Rool finally joined the echelons of Smashdom, a mighty cheer rang out from the throats of the beleaguered DK fan. Not to go on a tangent, but the games in the Donkey Kong Country trilogy were such finely crafted pieces of art, they’ve left an indelible mark on the community. Unfortunately, this has not been reciprocated with a wealth of recognition.
The king of the Kremlings was the ‘must have’, and attention now turns to the missing link; the final character with whom the franchise is deeply interwoven.
Dixie Kong was a calling card for 90s girl power, possessing abilities that often trumped Diddy himself. With her trademark ponytail and unflappable attitude, she became the preferred option for navigating the treacherous stages. Since the departure of Rare, that attitude has unfortunately fallen to the wayside, replaced by a giggly, bubbly nudnik. This can be fixed.
Put her in Smash, equipping her with all of the tools and pizzazz that made her so compelling in the first place, and you can rebuild her persona, brick by brick.
If you’re still not convinced, there’s a Twitter account dedicated solely to this pursuit that could perhaps paint a better picture.
Ninten
This one is a lot more out of left field, but not without merit.
Smash Bros is an opportunity for forgotten characters to be slapped with a fresh coat of paint and reintroduced to the greater gaming society. Such was the case with the Ice Climbers in Melee, and to a degree, Ness himself in the N64 title.
Sadly for Ninten, the abovenamed protagonist of Earthbound fame has all but retconned the OG psychic from existence, aping not only his abilities but even his physical appearance as a whole. Perhaps the intention was for the whole world of Mother to be reset wholesale, not unlike Star Fox’s obsession with taking everything back to square one every few years.
The only defining yet unofficial quality about Ninten that he holds is a neckerchief found in one obscure Japanese ad. It isn’t considered canonical, with his actual visage looking like a dead ringer for Ness, but you’d best believe fan art have taken this concept and run with it.
Whether or not his PSI abilities are unique enough to Ness-essitate his own roster slot is debatable. The beautiful thing is that Smash Bros already has a built-in fallback: simply make him an Echo Fighter, or better yet, an alternate costume.
Olimar, Steve and Bowser Jr. each have different skins that operate entirely the same, albeit with unique names and soundbites. Maybe you’re a big fan of Ludwig von Koopa (you should be, he’s a chad). Though he’d never crack the roster on his own, his inclusion as a costume swap is greatly appreciated, and Ninten would be a treasured nod to this forgotten series’ even more forgotten past.
Mike Jones
Sticking with the heroes of yesteryear, Mike Jones won’t register on a lot of radars. You can consider him a victim of the passage of time, however, and Smash Bros is a proven shot in the arm for anyone who has been left on the shelf for too long.
One could argue that other characters that follow this example, such as Pit or Little Mac, were more influential in their heyday, but StarTropics, at least, warranted a sequel. Plus, it had a physical letter enclosed with it that actually influenced gameplay, and that is just such a damn cool gimmick that you just can’t do in today’s digital-heavy era.
Mike’s got his own trademark weapons like a baseball bat and a yoyo — yes, Ness doth indeed tread on many toes in this sense — and the nature of his gameplay means that, should a third game ever eventuate, you could extrapolate this arsenal of everyday sporting knick-knacks even further. He’s also got a kind of swagger to him that makes him unlike your average Nintendo leading man.
Despite this, Mike has not ever graced the Smash Bros series with a passing glance. Not as a sticker in Brawl, or even as a spirit in Ultimate — the latter of which gave a shoutout to the ST Falcon, for crying out loud.
Should my grand scheme of Trojan Horsing StarTropics as a franchise back into existence prove too ambitious, surely Mike is worthy of a minor cameo after decades of inactivity. Again, if you build it, they will come, and you have to remember that in the Western world, Fire Emblem was an unknown entity until Melee swooped in to save the day.
Plus, when Mike wins he can stick a banana in his ear. That would make 2008 Internet users quite pleased.
Andy
Nintendo licenses experience ebbs and flows, even in Smash Bros. In Brawl and Smash for Wii U/3DS (ugh, those titles still upset me), the Nintendo Wars series was represented via the Assist Trophy, ‘Infantry and Tanks’.
This would hit the cutting room floor in Ultimate, reduced to a mere three spirits. One of those spirits, Andy, is synonymous with the franchise, and with Re-Boot Camp set to launch sometime in 2022, it’s time for this eager young commander to return to the fight.
Though you could construct a moveset out of wrenches, gears and whatnot, it would be more interesting for Andy to operate in the same vein of the Pokemon Trainer, issuing commands from the sidelines. The nature of Advance Wars sees you committing funds to assemble an army of nameless soldiers on your behalf, after all.
Could the strength of his active battalion be influenced by the amount of funds he has accrued? Of course, it can! For we are the ones constructing this fictional pugilist. From peripatetic grunts all the way up to the almighty Neotank, the more dosh he splosh, he put the kibosh, Chris Bosh. Oh gosh.
In hindsight, there were probably easier sounds to rhyme. A+ for effort, though.
Tails
Prior to Ultimate, I wouldn’t have been quite so keen on this selection. In my mind, third-party guest characters are rarified air, and ought to be allocated responsibly. Then, Ken Masters hit the scene and changed everything.
Alongside fellow Echo Fighter Richter and Final Fantasy VII’s Sephiroth — a creepy smile on his face and a somber song in his heart — it was clear that there was enough room in the escape pod for two.
So let’s talk Miles Prower.
The vulpine boy wonder has been sidekicking for Sonic for thirty years now, instantly recognizable with his two tails. Over time his repertoire would expand to include gadgets and gizmos aplenty (and yes, he would also become somewhat insufferable in the process), providing a deep well of combat options to set him apart from the crowd.
As a neat little quirk, perhaps in team battles, he could even carry his partner short distances. It would be fun to see, and if you’re concerned that this would make him overpowered, I can dissuade these fears with a simple reminder: he is already immortal, thereby any other imbalance is immaterial.
It’s an inconvenient truth that Sakurai and his team have put themselves in an unenviable position for the next Smash Bros entry. Having himself professed that he didn’t feel this level of content would ever be possible again, one must assume that concessions will be made and beloved mascots will be retired.
We can only hope that there are enough glue guys like above to help dull the impact and begin planning our respectful petitions in earnest.
Long story short, we’d better not lose Ivysaur a second time.
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