Riot Games fully unveiled League of Legends’ newest champion today and, to put it lightly, Kled is a psychopath. The Cantankerous Cavalier rides his trusty chicken horse* into battle, screaming while heavily under the influence of some probably PG concoction called “mushroom juice.”
*Upon further inspection, it seems chicken horse is actually a lizard. Its name is Skaarl.
We spent a very sane 22 minutes listening to all of Kled’s VO lines, courtesy of SkinSpotlights, and what we found was as inspiring as it was disturbing.
THE WEASELS AND BADGERS
“My brain is full of weasels”
“Stop talkin’ ya stupid brain badgers!”
“I know yer listening, brain weasels. I ain’t fallin’ for it!”
“THE BADGERS COMMAND YOUR DEATH”
“You’re upsettin’ the invisible badgers.”
“FOR THE BRAIN WEASELS”
“Shhhh! Them brain weasels probably listenin’ for us.”
CONCERNING BODY FUNCTIONS
“My blood is piss and vinegar.”
BEING OBJECTIVELY BAD AT LEAGUE
“I don’t need a team to start a team fight.”
“Yeah, but then how’re we gonna invade both bases at once?”
“Just cuz they’re our team, don’t mean we can trust ’em. They’re all trespassers, we’re just killin’ them five first.”
BEING OBJECTIVELY BAD AT WAR
“This desert sky’s gonna open up with a reign of heavenly bloodshed and glorious violence!”
“I didn’t not earn the rank of Sergeant Double Admiral by not runnin’.”
“Why ain’t they salutin’ me? They should be salutin’ me! SALUTE ME NOW”
“I’M GONNA MURDER YA TO DEATH. I WILL MURDER YOUR WHOLE FAMILY”
“IIIII AMMM DEEP FRIED COURAGE!! AND AN APPLE PIE OF ANGRY!”
“I hate to advocate violence and insanity, but it’s worked for me.”
“After we finish murderin’ these folks, whaddya think… tacos? Yeahhh, tacos.”
A PRETTY GOOD JULIA ROBERTS IMPERSONATION
“I’m just a yordle, standin’ in front of you, askin’ you to SHUT THE HELL UP!”
AN ATTEMPT TO SING A NATIONAL SONG
“This land is my land…”
“… damn trespassers. STEP ON MY LAND AGAIN, YER DONE.”
MAKING FRIENDS
“Come back! I gotta put an axe in yer brain!”
“Oops! Bear trap in your neck!”
“Don’t worry, them voices ain’t tellin’ me to kill ya no more. *whispers* Oooof course we still gonna kill ’em.”
“GET OFF MY LAWN.”
“I’m gonna reach down yer throat and turn yer lungs into mittens!”
“I’m from all over, it’s next to nowhere and SHUT THE HELL UP.”
“You see my welcome sign back there? No?? It was your friend’s skull.”
“I know that lizard ain’t talkin’, but I still hear ‘im.”
“Shut up lizard. SHUT UP.”
“It’s yer birthday Skaarl! LET’S BAKE A MURDER CAKE”
“YOU ARE PERTURBIN’ MY TRANQUILITY!”
ADORABLE COLLOQUIALISMS
“VICIOUS, VICIOUS, VICIOUS, VICIOUS”
“STAB, STAB, STAB, STAAAAB”
“AXE, AXE, AXE, AAAAXE”
The entire unintelligible sequence from 20:04 – 20:20 below
For more on Kled, including his bear-trap-in-the-neck abilities, check out his full champion reveal here.
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