Being a parent is hard, but being a better parent than Kazuya Mishima from Tekken is very easy. Judging another person’s parenting skills is ordinarily off-limits, but he is such a scumbag that it is totally fair game. Let’s be real — trying to kill your son and running an international mega-corporation committing crimes against the world on a daily basis is not a great look.
His son, Jin Kazama, has had his own moral shortcomings and villainous acts of murder, but these are clearly just cries for help. We are not qualified parenting experts, but Kazuya Mishima is not qualified to be a father either, so here we are. We want to offer the martial artist some healthy suggestions of different activities he can do with Jin to make up for the years of trauma. As it stands, he is the world’s worst father, but here are 10 ways that Kazuya from Tekken could be a better dad.
Write some Mad Libs
Just imagine the breakthroughs that Kazuya and Jin would have if they just sat down with a Mad Libs book and started filling in the zaniest nouns, verbs, and adjectives they can think of in the blank spaces where they totally do not belong. A good laugh could help open the avenue to addressing violent family trauma. Old habits die hard, so they would likely start with something like, “Carol went to the temple at dawn to seek vengeance and destroy her enemies,” but everyone has to start somewhere, I suppose. This is a healthier form of bonding than attempted murder.
Go Birdwatching
What could be more relaxing than birdwatching? Kazuya and Jin would probably get a thrill out of sitting in a nearby park, keeping an eye out for a gentle dove, a compassionate robin, or a majestic hawk. Perhaps sketching out their favorite birds, sharing them, and complimenting each other would be a healthy exercise. These are the kinds of calm, precious moments these blood-thirsty lunatics should share, filling their minds with quiet inspiration instead of complete malice.
Play a Board Game
Who’s up for a game of Monopoly? Wait, actually, a game of brutal capitalism is the last one Kazuya should be allowed to play. How about a game of Risk? No, wait, that would be even worse. Okay, what about Clue/Cluedo? Kazuya spent years searching the globe for his own father Heihachi Mishima to confront and murder him, so his powers of deduction should impress his son and make for a memorable board game night. Pictured above is not a fun board game night.
Toss the Ball Around the Yard
We do not know if Kazuya Mishima has a front yard, with a cleanly-cut lawn and a white picket fence, but this would be the perfect setting to just toss a baseball back and forth with Jin. If he does not have such a space, I suppose they could do this on the rubble of a village decimated as a result of horrific war crimes committed by Kazuya’s mega-corporation, the Mishima Zaibatsu. Whatever. Just anything other than ritual sacrifice.
Go to the Movies
Sitting on a mountain of wealth (mainly blood money) means that Kazuya Mishima can just barely afford a large popcorn, two fountain drinks, and a box of M&Ms chocolates from the concession stand at the local movie theater. Surely, an evening of watching The Notebook would reduce even these men to tears, with their hearts so touched by Rachel McAdams’ classic performance. There is nothing in the Tekken series that implies that The Notebook is a Mishima family favorite, but there is also nothing that suggests otherwise.
Go on a Fishing Trip
Kazuya, go rent a boat or something and take your son on a fishing trip. We have seen enough films, wall calendars, and pharmaceutical advertisements to know that this is a thing people do to bond; therefore, clearly, Kazuya and Jin should try this. They have no choice but to talk it out when they are sitting alone in a boat on a lake someplace picturesque. As long as they do not leave the boat. Quite frankly, they do not appear to have body types conducive to swimming easily.
Attend a Paint-and-Sip Class
Jin and his father would surely be the most fascinating people attending their local Painting with a Twist evening class. Kazuya can bring a case of beer for them to share while they try to follow along with the teacher’s instructions. They spend their lives in combat, pummeling foes into submission, but they should take the time to calmly paint a sunflower under the fluorescent lighting of a leased shopping center space. Yes, they should try their best to compliment each other’s works here as well.
Apologize
Pride is a cruel thing; it corrupts and tarnishes the soul. Can Kazuya Mishima set aside his pride for a moment and apologize to Jin for putting a bounty on his head and using him as a vessel for a demonic ritual sacrifice? I sure hope so. Instead of throwing hands, throw apologies.
In the process, they may even come to understand that their shared experiences mean they actually have a lot in common. They were both strapped on a rocket sent into orbit, and subsequently kicked out of a space station to burn up upon re-entry to the Earth’s atmosphere. I’m not certain which of these was canon, so safest to assume they both are.
Therapy
It is clear that the father-son relationship between Kazuya and Jin is in need of some healing. How does their twisted past make Jin feel? Why has Kazuya always been unable to forgive his own father Heihachi? Why is Jin’s mother Kazumi able to summon a tiger at will? They need to unpack all of this with the help of a professional. We are not personally qualified to facilitate that conversation, though. Please, leave us out of it, but let us know how it goes.
Listen
In any relationship, the number one thing a person can do to help the other party heal is to listen– everyone just wants to be heard. Deafened by his thirst for revenge against his own father, Kazuya never sat and listened to Jin; instead, he even fights him on top of the Bandai Namco logo, ready to knuck on any block. Perhaps Jin has wanted to talk about his favorite episode of Bad Girls Club, spill his high school friend Ling Xiaoyu’s secrets, share martial arts tips, or talk about hair gel. If Jin had been given the chance to be heard, maybe things would have turned out differently. It is not too late, Kazuya.
While this list may appear unhinged (and it is), I still believe that Kazuya Mishima has it in him to turn over a new leaf and no longer be the world’s worst father. Although come to think of it, his father Heihachi tossed him into a volcano not once, but twice.
All right, Kazuya is just the world’s second-worst father. Being tossed into a volcano as a child is not okay, but that is no justification for instilling that trauma and suffering onto his own son.
We trust that the next installment in the Tekken franchise will finally show Kazuya and Jin spending time together doing every single one of the above activities, finally setting aside their differences for good, and enjoying the wholesome father-son relationship they always yearned for.
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