Animal Crossing: New Horizons is just a matter of days away. It’s a big moment for Animal Crossing fans, who have waited nearly a decade for the next entry in the series.
It’s understandable, then, that you’d deem it necessary to prepare yourself for its release. Tie up a few loose ends before you really settle down into your life on this deserted island getaway package courtesy of Tom Nook.
If that sounds like you, fear not. We’ve broken down each of the things you’ll want to take care of ahead of March 20, so you’re all Animal Crossing: New Horizons’.
Quit Your Job
We’re only a matter of days away, and dependent on how committed you are to really make the most of Tom Nook’s Deserted Island Getaway, you have two options for stage one of our preparations.
If you’re all-in, know you’re ready for the Animal Crossing: New Horizons life, and are ready to leave this mortal coil behind, then go right up to your boss, slam down that notice letter, and march out of their proudly donning your Tom Nook t-shirt.
This, really, is a necessity. You’re going to need to spend all free time you have earning Bells to pay off that mortgage Tom Nook has saddled you with. You have no time for real-life work and money.
Alternatively, if you’re not completely set on living out your days with Kiki, Bob, Lucky or Maple, you can always go down the self-isolation route. Hey, you’ve got to look after yourselves out there right now. It’s not our fault your illness conveniently lines up with Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ release date.
Anyway, with work either temporarily, or permanently dealt with, you can walk on home, ready to begin phase 2 of our preparations.
Pick up Supplies on the Way Home
Ways to Prepare for Animal Crossing: New Horizons
Now this one’s going to be a little tricky at the moment. Given the recent pandemic, everyone’s already doing the exact same thing we’re telling you to do right now.
Either way, it’s time to hit the shops. Grab as many DiGiorno frozen pizzas, Oreos, Mountain Dew, Doritos, and other unhealthy foods that’ll help power you through those nine-hour-long fishing sessions.
Unfortunately, as tasty as the fruit looks in Animal Crossing, it’s not going to sustain your annoying mortal body. Grabbing supplies now is necessary, so we don’t have to ever again.
Ghost Your Friends
Work? Taken care of. Freezer? Jam-packed full of frozen pizzas. Fridge? Stocked up on just about anything else that’s remotely edible and was left on the shelves. Now we just need to sever those social ties.
Because let’s be real. Do you want to hang around with your real-life friend, Dave, who is a plumber, and who has a lovely wife and kids you’re supposed to be going away with this weekend? Or do you want to hang around with Lucky, a dog with bandages wrapped around his head like some adorable doggo mummy? Exactly.
Phone Dave, tell him you’re done. You’re moving to a getaway island where he’ll never find you… unless he has your Nintendo Switch friend code. Tell him you’ll be working out the rest of your days under the sun, visiting other islands from your built-up Nook Miles. You’ve got big plans for this island. You and Lucky are going to take over the world. A fruit-selling empire that’ll make your wildest dreams come true.
Would Dave be your partner in a fruit-selling empire? We think not.
Dump Your Partner
Ways to Prepare for Animal Crossing: New Horizons
Now for the big one. Perhaps you’re still in the early stages of a beautiful, blossoming relationship. Or maybe you’re at the other end, having built an unstoppable relationship on solid foundations of love, trust and commitment to one another.
Well, best step aside Kimmy/ Darrell/ insert the name of your partner here, because Tom Nook’s movin’ in!
As great as your prospective life partner has been to you, they’ll distract you during prime Animal Crossing: New Horizons playing hours. Wait, not playing hours, experiencing hours. Animal Crossing isn’t a game after all — it’s a way of life.
The easiest way to break things off? Guide them over to that freshly-stocked fridge and freezer. Open ‘em up, and let them see the equivalent of your life savings in frozen pizza and Mountain Dew staring back at them.
At this point, it’s down to personal preference whether you want to help them pack their bags.
Build a State-of-the-Art VR Suit Compatible with the Nintendo Switch
Now it’s just for the small task of creating a custom-made VR suit that you can slip yourself into for the ultimate immersive Animal Crossing: New Horizons experience.
Drop Elon Musk a tweet, ask him for some blueprints. Negotiate a trade deal for your island with Trump that involves accepting chlorinated chicken in return, then use said fortune to build your VR suit. Look, forget about the finer details, we’re sure it’ll be fine.
You don’t know anything about engineering, IT, or VR? It doesn’t matter. That’s the magic of Animal Crossing. Just take it over to your real-life crafting bench, select the recipe from the on-screen menu, and ensure you’ve got the required materials.
Hitting some rocks and shaking some trees will probably do it.
Live out the Rest of Your Days With Tom Nook
Ways to Prepare for Animal Crossing: New Horizons
With sticks and leaves protruding from your body, now being compressed by your makeshift VR suit, you’re ready for your island escape.
Sit patiently until March 20, and then plug what is actually just a twig into your Nintendo Switch. You make beep boop noises as you pretend the pile of sticks and shrubbery you’re lying in boots up as an actual VR suit.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons appears on your Switch, firmly fastened to your head with duct tape acting as the screen of your VR getup.
You smile as your character falls into a Pitfall. “Oh Lucky,” you cackle, “you crazy son of a bitch!”
As your stock of frozen pizzas and Mountain Dew depletes, you realize you’re going to HAVE to return to real-life society, albeit momentarily. You enter the store, open your mouth, only for babbled gibberish to come out.
It’s happened. Animal Crossing has claimed you once more.
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