It’s hard to look at a picture of Mario nowadays, and not be reminded of his energetic, high-pitched voice. ‘Wahoo!’ he shouts, while bouncing off the skull of another hapless Goomba. ‘Let’s-a go!’ he declares, using a power mushroom to take the lead on the final lap of Rainbow Road. ‘Mario’s gonna put this on the… FULL HOUSE… line,’ he suggests, during a rousing session of gambling. Charles Martinet’s unique take on this iconic character works about as perfectly as possible – could you imagine a world where he canonically sounded more like he did in Hotel Mario? It’s a hideous notion; a chaotic reality where misery and madness run rampant, and all toasters toast toast.
Unfortunately, not all classic gaming characters find a partner as appropriate as Martinet, and the moment they open their mouths for the first time, we can’t help but cringe. The only solution is a hasty re-cast, or a conveniently written bout of laryngitis. What follows is a list of some of these culprits. If you’re feeling particularly bold, feel free to read it in their voice. You’ll probably hate yourself.
Tails
From his first appearance in Sonic 2, Tails quickly endeared himself to fans with his bright-eyed optimism and apparent immortality. Many an hour were spent gleefully watching him tumble into pits or get crushed by moving pillars, only to fly back onto the screen, ready to try again. Depending on how you looked at it, he was either the ultimate underdog, or a particularly kinky masochist. Whatever the case was, we dug his style.
His personality, from what we gathered in the instruction booklets, was that Sonic was his hero, and he dreamed of being just like him someday. That was all we needed: Likes Sonic. Has two tails. Can’t die. Tails was the perfect companion to the blue blur. But alas, we then entered an era of FMV, and along with that came voice acting. In just a few short years, Tails had gone from plucky vulpine ally to a grating nerd who was trying to negotiate terms with the president in a stretch limousine. Did you hear that thud? That was the sound of a shark being run over.
From here on, Tails was all about machines and whining. Despite being perfectly capable prior to this point, indeed even surpassing Sonic in utility with his abilities to fly and swim, he now insisted on being subordinate and deferring to everyone else to take charge. And of course, he sounded like a toddler with no ambition. In Sonic Adventure 2, after seeing Sonic be jettisoned into space, Tails says to Eggman, ‘What have you done to Sonic? I’ll never forgive you for this!’
Let’s experiment for a moment. You’ve just watched your best friend get sucked out into the endless vacuum of the cosmos. Before you stands the man responsible for this injustice. Say that line out loud to yourself. Now try it again, but frame it more like he just took a bite out of your sandwich. That’s about the amount of passion you actually get from this performance.
Slippy
Within the first few seconds of Star Fox 64, Peppy Hare notices something awry. “Slippy, get back here!” he warns, followed shortly after by, “Slippy, watch out! Bogey on your tail!!”
Such is the mediocrity that is Slippy Toad, a pilot so inept, he is in danger no more than two minutes after entering the cockpit. Your goal, theoretically, is to take down the enemies in pursuit, but true Star Fox savants instead focused their fire directly on Slippy’s Arwing. That’s the only way he’ll learn: through grim death.
In the original title on SNES, Slippy was a bit of an oddball, stuttering his words and occasionally getting himself in over his head, but his more pesky qualities were ramped up astronomically once he was given a voice. With his effeminate tone and absolute inability to competently navigate even the simplest battlefields, you will quickly grow familiar with this goofy toad’s face popping up on your intercom. His major contribution may be displaying the health gauge of bosses, but it’s not worth it. Blasting blindly away is a small price to pay for not having to save Slippy’s rear every 20 seconds.
…And that doesn’t even go to mention Chris Seavor’s wheezy rendition in Star Fox Adventures. That one hurts your very soul.
Navi
“Hey!” “Hey!” “Listen!” “Hey!” “Listen!” “Hey!”
They may read like the lyrics to the latest Rihanna track, but their true origin is (slightly) worse. As the first 3D title in the Zelda series, The Ocarina of Time can be an imposing starting point for novices. Where to go? How best to fell this wicked Stalfos bearing down on me? I wonder what those vines on the wall do, even though I have climbed them eleven times in the last three minutes?
In comes Navi, the most talkative fairy you’ll ever have the misfortune of meeting. Navi’s cues and functions may not be too obtuse on their own, and if you’re the kind of person who is fond of stopping in the heat of battle to have a quiet reading session, you may even appreciate what she has to say. However, the fact that she is frequently badgering you throughout your quest will fast become the bane of your existence.
Her constant pleas for your attention will stop you in your tracks every few seconds, and eventually you’ll simply do your best to ignore them. Yes, Navi, we’re aware that the bridge is now open to Ganondorf’s Castle. But we’re very busy right now, fishing in the lake! There are rupees at stake here, you silly fae, and the only way to truly overcome Ganondorf’s tyrannical empire is through economic power.
…Perhaps you didn’t feel the need to justify yourself to Navi. But if you did, you certainly got very creative.
Pac-Man
For the most part, Namco has made the wise decision to keep Pac-Man free of dialogue. His interpretation in Smash Bros. was about as perfect as it comes, spouting out little more than arcade sound effects and the classic ‘wakka wakka’ as he gobbled up his foes. Occasionally, he does grunt, groan and emote in games like Street Fighter x Tekken, but that’s acceptable fare, as it doesn’t sully that cheeky charm that made him famous.
Things take a turn for the worst, however, whenever they dare give him a speaking role, a crime upon Pac-man and Pac-nature alike. It was reasonable in the ’80s cartoon version, because it wouldn’t have made a great deal of sense having a silent protagonist leering at his family whenever they asked him a question. It’s much less tolerable in Pac-Man World 3, as the previously mute Pac has full-on discussions and banter. Banter? From Pac-Man? Get it as far away from me as possible!!
The other aspect of this is that, in fairness, Pac-Man is kind of a jerk. When he says nothing, instead grinning like a buffoon, it’s beguiling. When he’s reeling off one-liners in between reckless assault on unfortunate ghosts, it’s much less so.
Tidus
Welcome to the future of gaming, ladies and gentlemen, with beautifully rendered polygonal backgrounds, immensely detailed character models, and crisp audio that allows for your favorite heroes and villains to speak for the very first time. We should have been suspicious right from the start, however – perhaps there was a reason why Cloud’s overworld model in Final Fantasy VII didn’t even have a mouth.
Tidus (pronounced ‘tedious’) is Zanarkand’s rising blitzball hero, a cocky yet sweet kid who bucks the franchise’s trend of expressing himself through text only. And whoa nelly, are you in for a ride. Tidus has gone down in infamy as perhaps one of the most awkward and divisive protagonists in Final Fantasy history, thankfully absent of the angst of some of his predecessors (Squall refuses to relinquish his grouchypants), but prone to moaning and sulking all the same. Indeed, once he deals the fatal blow to his father, Jecht, his old pops spends his dying breaths mocking him: “You’ll cry. You’re gonna cry. You always cry. See? You’re crying.”
When he’s not crying – rare as that may be – Tidus is going into every situation with a doe-eyed innocence devoid of any edge whatsoever. He definitely takes a backseat to his other party members on the personality scale, and the less said about his laugh, the better.
Annoying when he’s chuckling, and annoying when he’s moping? That’s not a winning combination by any means, and makes Tidus stand out like a sore thumb in the lineup of spiky haired swordsmen. We want our Final Fantasy leads to be badass, not sadass (that can totally be a word. Just go with it).
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